Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
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“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising