“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
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Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.