*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
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Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box