How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
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Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
taking June’s advice to heart
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.