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Lmfaoooooo
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy