Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
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Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Introverted vegans go meetless
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!