IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
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“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band