When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
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Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
courtroom exchange of the day
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.