Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
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If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?