What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
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We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
what does he know…
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.