If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
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ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
oh no, steve’s working tonight
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT