“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
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Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.