5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
You Might Also Like
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.