Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
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Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.