Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
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Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.