Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
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ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.