Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
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[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
#Caturday
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