I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
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ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol