Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
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Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.