[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
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[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
☠️☠️☠️
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.