does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
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Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
If snakes were wide
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.