.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
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and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
crying
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Monday
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart