A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
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My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Never forget.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Check out the legs on this baby
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.