ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
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Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”