Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
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Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.