The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
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My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
This is my favorite one of these!
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Oceanography is all about current events
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
this has to be peak English
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.