My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
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Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.