How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
You Might Also Like
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason