Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
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[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I think the cat got the dog high.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.