Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
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me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”