Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
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You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*