It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
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*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Imma just leave this here…………
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home