Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
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[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa