When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
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9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.