I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
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I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Home is where your toilet is.
The news
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now