a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
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[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
LOOOOOOL
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁