Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
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72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
You learn something every day
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE