*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
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The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.