What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
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If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
This is my brand.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal