[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
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Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*