Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
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If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*