My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
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Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that