My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
You Might Also Like
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
scrabbled eggs
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.