Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
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Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
monday
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.