[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
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Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!