[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
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Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Single and childfree like Jesus
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
hear me out : pockets for your socks
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.