My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
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When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
HOW DARE YOU
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.