Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
You Might Also Like
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really