Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
You Might Also Like
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.