I’m just playing devils avocado here
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Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
I don’t get marriage
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine